South Rim Grand Canyon, Mather Campground, Monday May 22

South Rim Grand Canyon, Mather Campground, Monday May 22.

Surfing the Fear.

Dear Trail Friends,

It is just before 6pm and I am sitting in my tent looking forward to going to sleep very early. Photo 1 shows the campsite (top) and the view from my tent (lower). 

I hope to wake at 2:30am, start walking at 3:30, and reach the South Kaibab Trail Head right around dawn (4:50am). This will allow me to hike down to the bottom of the canyon before 10am and before the hot sun hits the trail. 

I will spend tomorrow night (Wednesday May 24) at Bright Angel - at the stock site. When it isn’t in use for stock, they give the sites to AZT thru-hikers. But only some of the rangers know (or care) about this special treatment. The woman who helped me at the Backcountry office was unusually competent and kind. First she worked it all out that I could hike to Bright Angel Thursday and Cottonwood Friday (what I most wanted).  Then I happened to mention that, because temperatures are going up this week, it might be better if I started tomorrow. She juggled things, called the North Rim ranger to be sure it wouldn’t mess up their plans and had it all in place in moments. I felt an infusion of joy. Human kindness is a kind of miracle. It is -,it really is - as breathtaking to witness as is this Canyon. Photo 2 is the lovely Ranger Elyse, in a photo that doesn’t begin to do her justice. 

I went to the Backcountry office with my backpack, partly because I wanted to get the straps adjusted (I had loosened them and wrapped them around the pack for checking it on the plane) and partly because I wanted a little time walking with the pack before hitting the trail, and I wanted to stop to do my laundry on the way back so needed stuff with me, and I did not want to leave my food bag in my tent (tempting ravens and squirrels to chew and peck through...). 

I got to the Backcountry office very early and nobody else came until almost opening time. Then a mob arrived. It became clear at once that most had been there yesterday and had waiting list numbers and would go ahead of me. I felt overwhelmed by the numbers of people (over 20 I would guess) and afraid I wouldn’t get what I wanted, but also a little bit pleased at having an opportunity to practice social skills. I practiced In two ways. I tried to look at people and find something beautiful about them (for example, the wind moving through their hair or the sun shining in their hair, or a sudden smile. And I tried to imagine my high level of adrenaline arousal as waves of fear I was surfing. I felt myself trying to get solid on my feet, keep my balance, not let the waves throw me. It was oddly fun and I must say that being flooded by fear is not my usual idea of fun. 

Anyway, very quickly I went from surfing the fearful (and hostile) feelings I was having toward my rivals for campsites (feelings of course that I disapproved of, which did not make them any easier to surf) to basking in the miracle of human kindness when my number was called and Ranger Elyse managed to give me what u wanted. Experiencing my life really is a lot like those shifting cloud forms. 

Speaking of clouds, the sky over the Canyon was dramatic and exciting again (like the sky above the shuttle ride yesterday). And the Canyon. The Canyon seemed to me even more stunning and awesome than I remembered. (Now before we go any further, I want to mention that when Ranger Elyse phoned the North Rim she began with “I have an awesome thru-hiker here.” Now, this is the second time in a week I have overheard an adjective used to describe me that I couldn’t quite wrap my mind around. Earlier in the week i “overheard” (via forwarded email) a dear gay man friend refer to me as an “ancient lesbian.” The backstory is that he had showed up in a dream of mine as a fuck buddy and I had told him about the dream. I actually thought he’d be flattered - he’s one of several good friends of Chris’s who collude with her in the myth of my being her beautiful young lover.  Then a friend of this gay man’s - in the forwarded email - had written him “So glad an ancient lesbian is having fucking dreams about you. That story made my day.” I felt properly mortified. Of course writing it in this blog (while virtuously not mentioning his name - or the fact that he himself is quite a few years older than me ) would not be an attempt at pay back, to mortify him in turn.  Surely an ancient awesome woman such as myself would not stoop to such juvenile behavior. 

I think of Robert Burns - I can’t look up the quote because I have no cell coverage or WiFi (which also means I can’t post this probably for several more days) - “oh wad some power the giftie gie us, to see ourselves as ithers see us.” Wasn’t the poem addressed to a very pleased-with-herself, well-dressed woman at church, with a louse on her hat?

Meanwhile to continue the musings of an  ancient, awesome hiker 

....

Photo 3 shows how little the crowds can look in the presence of the Canyon. Photo 4 is another moment that the Canyon felt even grander than I remembered. It really does remind me of how small I am, how big the world is, in a way that I really like. 

Okay. Time to tuck myself in. See you on the trail tomorrow (early, I hope). 

I forgot to tell you that after my shower and laundry (which both - clean body and clean clothes - felt heavenly) I explored a variety of ways of walking from my campsite toward the trailhead (so I’d be able to find one in the dark). My original plan (to connect up with the AZT) turned out to be not at all what I wanted - the official AZT in that stretch was an unappealing unattractive equestrian trail with lots of rough ups and downs. I decided instead to make my way to the rim and hike along the rim. I remember from last spring how ominous but beautiful the deep drop off of the Canyon looked in the dark. 

I also forgot to tell you that my air mattress has a slow leak - which I’m afraid is rapidly becoming a fast leak.  I repeatedly have to blow more air into it during the night. I will have to see if I can figure out where the leak is (I suspect a previous leak which I repaired in the trail but never replaced with a permanent repair because the temporary trail repair seemed to be working so well....)

Sweet dreams. 

Thank you for your companionship and for tolerating my sense of humor. See you soon.